Folding Up My Tent

If you want to find me, I'm writing in a new forum.

The Open Letter Blog Project

And Here's What I'm Sayin'

I'm going to stop this blog.

I know.

I just did this whole post to say I had something to say. And then what I have to say is that I'm not going to be saying it here?

Fate is a cruel mistress.

But also an intentional one.

I'm starting a new thing. More focused. A little quirky. But I've always wanted my blog angle, and I think I've found it.

What will it be?

I'll post the link here for both of you who give a shit.

For the rest who've come here because you were Googling something about shit ... and you should really stop that ... it's gross ... you can scroll down to see my thoughts on your late-night insecurities.

Won't Someone Please Think of the Children?

It's as bad as we thought, people. Recent research now quantifies the impact of gay marriage on the world (from buzzfeed.com):

I've kept fairly quiet on this so far, as I think it's fairly obvious where I stand. But I'll say this much just to get it off my chest:

So here's the deal, America. Human rights are for humans. As in all humans. You don't get to decide which ones. You don't get to negotiate or legislate or equivocate mine while yours are a birthright.

And you for damn sure don't get to stand behind made-up excuses that are designed to create action out of fear while in reality it comes down to this: you don't support gay marriage because you're a bigot.

You're not doing this to protect the childen. Or the churches. It ain't the end of the world. Or a threat to the sanctity of the whole shenanigans.

It's your bigotry that's holding us back. And we deny you that right. We'll have exactly what you have, and we won't rest until we have it. That's what Americans do. It's why humans everywhere have risen against bigotry. It's why tyrants fall and corrupted systems find themselves powerless. And if you want to worry about anything, that's what should worry you most.

Voting? Totally Overrated. Seriously. Don't Bother.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Betty White: Goddess

I swear to Jesus I want to have Betty White's babies. But it's so hard overcoming genetics.

So instead we'll have to settle for my undying love for this:

VPILF

If John McCain wants to add smoking desperation to the list of desperations (including the stinking, stunning and hopeless versions) passing for his campaign strategy, you won't hear me complaining.

The Palin veep pick is equal parts arrogance (Hillary voters will be drawn to her vagina) and pandering (neo-cons will be drawn to her contempt for the vagina).

So. It's politics. Fine.

And she's a light weight. Even better. Or is it?

Because they just might pull it off. And then we'd have someone doing a job she professes not to understand. Which she doesn't. Clearly. Just a while ago she was Mayor of Mooseville.

But in being coy about her chances, Gov. Palin actually told the guy at CNBC that she didn't know what a veep did all day. God. Save. Us. All.

Kiss Me, You Fool

I know, I know, I know. Nothing but YouTube clips of Obamaganda for months and then I spring up like Chatty Kenneth.

But I was just amusing myself with my open letter to the (alleged) guy who came here after searching the Google for "bleeding while taking a shit." Hey, I don't make this stuff up. I just get the reports.

It's a little concerning that since then there's been a dramatic rise in that sort of search leading to this blog. I trust my perverted readers (and I do mean both of you) have been trying it out on their own. And to both of you I say: It totally works, doesn't it?

But wait. I can probably top that one. The latest odd little search that led some unsuspecting person with a traumatic medical condition into my lair?

"My lips bleed in winter but not summer"

I'm serious. Someone searched that on the internets and wound up here.

Since every good blog needs an angle ... a point of view ... maybe I'm missing my golden opportunity. People can tell me what their medical insecurity is, and then I'll tell them what I think while disavowing any knowledge of medicine whatsoever and making them promise that they can't sue me because I'm just a big wind bag.

And if that dream were to come true, when someone searched for "my lips bleed in winter but not summer," then I could say the following:

Geez. I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe it's the dry heat. Do you have a radiator? Those can be very drying. And the wind often pulls moisture from your sensitive skin.

Do you have a humidifier? You might want to consider investing in one along with a good lip balm. Kiehl's makes a fantastic one. Granted it's like $15 a tube or something, but if you buy something they'll sometimes give you a free sample.

And nobody likes scabby lips. I can only imagine how uncomfortable that is, so avoid products with too much camphor. That could really sting.

Now I Can Give Up My Gratuitous Nudity Plans

It's finally happened. This blog has finally sunk to the furtherest depths imaginable. Check it out for yourself. Jack Valenti couldn't have said it better:

I wasn't really going for the 17-year-old demographic anyway. They're not old enough to vote yet. But when they are, I hope their first presidential election will be to re-elect Obama. So for those of you adults out there reading this (and I mean both of you), vote.

Please think of the children. My language only gets worse from here.

An Open Letter to Pennsylvania, Indiana, North Carolina, et al ...

I admit it. I've got Democratic primary season fatigue big time. Will someone just stick a steak in her heart already? (Figuratively speaking only, of course. I don't need anyone opening up my FBI file again.)

So when I'm blue or seeing red, (blue and red ... get it? I kill myself.) a little bit of Obama rhetoric just warms my heart up. I reach for my checkbook every time he delivers something like this:



I offer this up for consideration to all the states that have primaries remaining. Please watch this and then realize the part in history you're playing. And go fucking vote for this guy, or I'm gonna lose my fucking mind. Seriously. You don't want to see me any more mentally unstable. None of us do.

So do the right thing. You know who you are. You can still tell her you voted for her afterward even when you didn't. Millions of us have your back.

Older Than Pakistan! Bwahahaha

I don't know what else to say. Hate me for it if you will, but that shit is funny.

Look, people. I can't make it any more plain than this:

Clinton:



Obama:



He's right. It's the same old bullshit. Someone drive a stake into her heart or cut off her head. (Figuratively, of course. There's no need to go digging up my FBI file again.) It's the only way to end this thing.

Compare and Contrast

Let me make this as easy for you as I possibly can.

McCain:



Obama:

I Know You're Out There. I Can Hear You Bleeding.

Now and then most bloggers indulge in a review of their blog stats in a tragic moment of self consciousness just to see if they are indeed reaching the masses.

This blog reaches very few masses. But to those of you keeping the faith ... and I mean both of you ... I say I'm in it for the long haul if you are.

These stats also tell you where people are visiting from. To my readers in Finland and Egypt ... and I mean both of you ... I say welcome. And I apologize. If it makes you feel better, this doesn't make much more sense to Americans, either.

But what I'm really here for is to share my alarm ... consternation ... worry ... and let's face it ... downright shameless amusement ... not to mention an alarming ability to improperly and frequently use ellipses ... about how people reach my blog somewhat unsuspectingly.

A few months ago, I wrote an open letter to a woman who got here by Googling "emotionally unavailable men." I hope she's doing well and has embraced her faghagness as a badge of honor rather than as a shield of self loathing.

My concern now turns to the person ... I'm guessing it's a man given the word choice ... who crept into this dark little corner after searching for "bleeding while taking a shit."

Jesus. I was so surprised, I had to Google that myself. And there I am. The third link down.

For the record, I have never blogged about bleeding while taking a shit. Well. Until now, that is. But apparently the Google pieced together one of my Ann Coulter rants with some other ... uh ... shit ... and voila. Mysterious are the ways of the boolean search.

But I also noticed that there've been multiple visits off of that search. So now my conscience ... and let's face it, that's a small, cold little nugget ... is forcing me to respond out of concern for my fellow man. And so to you, sir, I say:

Honey. Get some help with that. Chances are it's just a hemorrhoid problem and will clear itself up. Especially if it's blood red and not black in the bowl. But. Still. There's only one exit for this business, and you can't take that too lightly.

Certainly we haven't reached the point where the internets can be used to cure us of all our ills with any degree of certainty. Just searching for a solution to get skunk spray off of my dog once proved that much.

I can only imagine what kind of a horror show you faced when you just had a crimson crap and your shame and embarrassment drove you to search the internet only to be lead to a discussion of ... whatever the hell I've been spouting off about.

It certainly isn't hemorrhoids, I can tell you that much.

Well. Until now.

Gutter Mouth

Well it was inevitable.  What was once a sunny little PG-rated blog has now garnered this:

Meet Kansas Singles

I blame Mike Huckabee for goading me into telling him to fuck off.

Shit.  There I go again.  Jesus Christ.

It all raises the question:  What the hell do you have to do to get an NC-17, goddammit.  Because I'll do it.  You bet your ass I will.

I Heart Huckabee

On the eve of the Republican primary in Michigan, Mike Huckabee made a speech about how he'd like to see abortion and marriage rights handled. Mr. Huckabee would like to see the Constitution amended to match "God's standards."

Oh, yes. He did. You can see it right here:



In case it isn't obvious, Mr. Huckabee believes God's standards mean women don't deserve control over their reproductive health and gays are best viewed behind razor wire while wearing pink-felt triangles.

Mr. Huckabee, sadly, went on to place a distant third in Michigan.

This leads me to believe that God's standards are working just fine when it comes to Mike. It certainly seems to be His will that Huckabee will be this election's Howard Dean.

Since God won't say it to you directly, Mike, I sure will: It's my Constitution, too. Tend to your own marriage and keep yer fuckin' paws off my rights. Sheesh. You should be embarrassed to think you have any concept of the Word of God. I'm pretty certain He's embarrassed plenty by you.

You keep preachin', though, sugar. It's gonna be a lot easier for *any* Democrat in the fall to win against you than the others. It takes a special kind of guy to make a mormon look viable. So I wish you all the success in the world.