Thursday, August 31, 2006

Some Things Are Worth Waiting For

Last week I was ready to walk away from Project Runway. It was too much to believe that the hands of the producers weren't guiding every move. And then something so delicious happens this week, that all is forgiven. I know the Little Dutch Boy is still out of range of a Tivo, so I won't divulge. But let's just say that if you fly to Paris, be prepared to leave quickly. It was everything I could ever want.

Speaking of everything I could ever want ... and to the two or three of you who reflexively thought, "James Gandolfini in a bathrobe?" - shame on you ... my former Professional Wife recently became engaged. I couldn't possibly be more happy, because she's a catch if there ever was one. I swear to you, if I wasn't so damn homosexual, I'd make an honest woman out of her myself. But since it can't be me, and since we're no longer professionally married, I have to say that she's landed a good one.

I know many of you will be checking for my endorsement, so I'm coming out with it early. That boy is a keeper. He not only received the first ever Gay Merit badge, he also recently nabbed the much-sought-after and often-coveted Good With The Gays seal of approval. What more could a heterosexual woman hope for? Marry the man, sister. And just a thought to hold onto as you make your plans: I look dynamite as a flower girl.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

I Had A Farm In Africa

I loved Meryl Streep in Out of Africa. Almost as much as I love Peet's Coffee's soon-to-be-released Ethiopian Super Natural. It's in stores this Saturday. Buy it, people. Buy it and grind it fresh and drink it while thinking of the birthplace of coffee.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Too Much Tooty

I want it known that I'm dying to talk about "Project Runway," but the Little Dutch Boy might be my only reader, and the pressure is on not to divulge spoilers until he's once again clutching his Tivo remote.

So an open note to Laura will have to satiate me for now:

Laura. Honey. Baby. Listen. Too much boobage. If Bravo is fuzzing out your nipples, it's time to consider foundation garments. Immediately.

I feel much better.

Culture Wars

A poll released by Zogby International (you remember -- the people who said Kerry was going to win) this week says that only 25 percent of Americans can correctly name two Supreme Court justices. Compare this to the 75 percent who can correctly identify two of Snow White's dwarfs ... dwarves. (Dwarves are very upsetting.)

The poll also shows, in news that surely must have warmed Ruth Bader Ginsberg's heart, that 23 percent can name Taylor Hicks as the "American Idol" winner while only 11 percent can name Samuel Alito as the new Chief Justice.

All in all, not a great day for name recognition in the judicial branch. But this kind of culturally elitist crap gets my goatee. Samuel Alito was only on TV long enough to avoid questions about how he's going to help overturn Roe v. Wade. Taylor Hicks was on TV for weeks. In prime time. And it's no wonder we all know the drwarves; you can't swing a dead cat in Disneyland without hitting one of them.

If ol' Loose Lips Sink Nominationships Alito had a ride designed for him in Orlando or a multi-bajillion dollar ad campaign and recording deal to shake his money maker, of course we'd know him. If Antonin Scalia spent half as much time on The View as he did quietly chipping away at our civil liberties, he'd put the fame in famous.

And for those keeping score, I've named three Supreme Court justices so far, and I could keep on going, confirming what I've long suspected: I'm smarter than most of America.

A-ha! There it is. This is the equivalent of Paul Lynde singing "Kids! What the hell is wrong with these kids these days?" (Even fewer Americans can name that original cast album.) It's cultural elitism. It's the age-old suggestion that an abundance of pop culture makes us stupid.

George Bush Senior was once photographed looking in awe at a supermarket scanner. And he nominated David Souter and Clarence Thomas (five down ... four to go). Betcha he remembers their names. But was once amazed that the red light knew the price of a gallon of milk.

And I ask you: Just who's out of touch?

Not me. To show I'm of the people, I'm not even going to mention the other four. Instead, I'll close by saying: Greg, Marsha, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy. The professor, the skipper, Gilligan, Mr. & Mrs. Howell, Ginger and Mary Ann.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

It's The Little Things

I was just talking ... well, emailing ... with one of my favorite Gappertons of all time. (We're talking one of the original Gappy McGappertons, who secured entry into the Gapperton Hall of Fame by exclaiming, "Jesus, Kenneth. Gay much?" in front of our new boss.) Yes, you know who you are.

And I realized that tomorrow is my one-month anniversary with the gold standard coffee purveyor. (Brown aprons are the new black. Trust me on this.) This makes me very happy, as I like the new place. And the peoples are quite excellent.

But even better? I haven't touched Power Point for over a month. Seriously. I get a little misty with joy at the thought of it.

Those who know me well will recognize this as a major accomplishment. Take a moment and dab your eyes.

Those who don't know me well will wonder when I'm going back to harping about Mel Gibson. In good time, my pretties. All in good time.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Loathes And Fishes

Okay. One more thing about Mel. And I'm loathe to be political here. But someone has to say it. And a warning to the kiddies: I'm going to include a quote from Mel later on that uses very graphic language and profanity. Read this at your discretion.

I'm a touch amused at the punditry around whether Mel's career can come back after he came out as Mr. Kill A Jew. Well not so much amused at that. More amused (and when I say "amused," read that "annoyed") over how many people are suddenly outraged now that they've seen his true colors.

If you're ever-so-shocked, you just haven't been listening. Mostly because it's been about gays up to this point.

In 1992, Mel told the Spanish newspaper El Pais:
They take it up the ass. This is only for taking a shit [pointing to his butt]… But with this look, who’s going to think I’m gay? It would be hard to take me for someone like that. Do I sound like a homosexual? Do I talk like them? Do I move like them? What happens is when you’re an actor, they stick that label on you.
When asked in a 1995 Playboy interview if he'd apologize for these remarks, he said:
I'll apologize when hell freezes over. They can fuck off.
I really am loathe to rant politically here, so I'll keep the break down uncomplicated:

Mel: Anti-semite = apology. Homophobe = fuck off.

America: Anti-semite = career suicide. Homophobe = box office bonanza.

Now that we've got that straight ... people show us their true colors way before we want them to. It's up to us to pay attention.

Oh, yeah. And to care. Pay attention and care.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Give Me Aerosol, or Give Me Death!

Mike Douglas died today. At 81. On his birthday. Bummer.

Rumor has it he heard there'd be no more hairspray allowed in his carry on ... and that's just not a world he wanted any part of.

Godspeed, Mike. Heaven may be warmer because of the ozone your grooming regimen destroyed over the years. But Godspeed.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Heidi, Can You Hear Me?

What's with your fashion choices on Project Runway, Heidi? Last night you were wearing a top made from my Aunt Reba's guest bath shower curtain. And apparently there wasn't enough fabric to go around. What else could have possessed you to have a foot-wide gap down the front that showcased your commitment to breast feeding? It's nice that you have an environmental side, though. Trimming it all in cardboard indicated you care about post-consumer waste.

I'm not even going to talk about the boots, people. But after the runway show, I half expected Michael Kors to turn to her and say, "Before we start, let's talk about the catastrophe you've got on ..."

Is it possible to vote the host off for her lack of fashion sense? She's auf in neverland.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

She's Super Freaky, Yeah. Temptations, Sing

Has Angelina really moved out of the house with the kids? And has Brad really freaked? Oh, who cares?

What'd really freak me out is figuring out how she got her lips to look like that without slamming them in a car door. That and the fact that she was into Billy Bob Thornton way after we were all over him.

Rule #1 when you're leaving your pouty-lipped girlfriend for another pouty-lipped chanteuse: Consider her past actions. And not the I wore my lover's blood in a vial, I went to the Oscars and acted like I was boinking my brother past. That's practically brunch conversation. Kid stuff.

It's the kid stuff I'm thinking Brad should have been worried about. We all do things to make us feel better. I, for example, buy shoes. Lots of shoes. Save for the structural engineering issues it creates in my closet, it's fairly harmless and reasonably affordable. But at multi-millions per picture, our girl went right past collecting shoes and dove head first into collecting Third World children.

It's a little precious to follow in the foot steps of Mia Farrow, but you gotta know it's less about saving them and more about filling a Jon-Voight-sized hole in Angelina's heart. And those pound puppies make the best pets. After doing hard time, you're less likely to pee on the rug.

I'm just sayin'. That's all. Nothing to freak out about.

Monday, August 07, 2006

No One Puts Baby In A Corner

When I've run afowl of the law and wind up with my face splashed all over the tabloids because I've exposed my true self, please remind me to make sure that Patrick Swayze is one of the first people to come to my personal defense.

He'll probably be pretty busy ... he is, afterall, breaking a cha-cha heel rushing to Mel Gibson's defense. But it's worth the investment. Just consider what he said about Mel's antics:

He is not anti-Semitic. People say stupid things when they happen to have a few (drinks), and especially if you don't drink anymore, or have limited your drinking for a long time. Everybody else gets to be allowed to have a stupid moment and nobody knows about it or cares the next day. So it makes it difficult when your life is under the microscope.

Okay. Patrick. Honey. If you get plastered and slobber all over your friends about how much you love them, *that* is a stupid moment. And your friends really do care the next day, but American society being what it is, they just repress their feelings like the rest of us. No harm-o, no foul-o.

But. If your friend has gone on record to support his holocaust-denying father when he's sober and spouted a mind-numbing level of vitriol after having several bottles of vino ... well ... that makes you, Patrick, the kind of person I want in my corner when it really hits the fan. Because who needs reason when blind loyalty will get your name mentioned in "Variety" again?

You, sir, should be ashamed of yourself. Just like the rest of us are.