tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-298220622024-03-12T21:10:56.162-07:00All Bleeding Stops EventuallyEverything's temporary. So relax.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.comBlogger84125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-16527462040744901622008-12-29T21:07:00.001-08:002008-12-29T21:08:18.175-08:00Folding Up My TentIf you want to find me, I'm writing in a new forum.<br /><br /><a href="http://theopenletterblogproject.blogspot.com">The Open Letter Blog Project</a>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-63128519706032387052008-12-27T11:01:00.001-08:002008-12-27T11:03:54.774-08:00And Here's What I'm Sayin'I'm going to stop this blog.<br /><br />I know.<br /><br />I just did this whole post to say I had something to say. And then what I have to say is that I'm not going to be saying it here?<br /><br />Fate is a cruel mistress.<br /><br />But also an intentional one.<br /><br />I'm starting a new thing. More focused. A little quirky. But I've always wanted my blog angle, and I think I've found it.<br /><br />What will it be?<br /><br />I'll post the link here for both of you who give a shit.<br /><br />For the rest who've come here because you were Googling something about shit ... and you should really stop that ... it's gross ... you can scroll down to see my thoughts on your late-night insecurities.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-4940321750144853022008-11-20T17:05:00.000-08:002008-11-20T17:24:33.831-08:00Won't Someone Please Think of the Children?It's as bad as we thought, people. Recent research now quantifies the impact of gay marriage on the world (from buzzfeed.com):<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOVgoZFyEUudYT6FrE2H0LDlAf4uWfM_j0CUO82Axkkl0deUQlaidCAVMfWZ_roMOTtBrzINfgDAGB9BM88RzrfIlMlrMzCPMEFONxRCWYHUyrsO5ca_pvefgLuk-yS7PjgzGt/s1600-h/gay+marriage+graph.bmp"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5270911594000764386" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 400px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 302px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOVgoZFyEUudYT6FrE2H0LDlAf4uWfM_j0CUO82Axkkl0deUQlaidCAVMfWZ_roMOTtBrzINfgDAGB9BM88RzrfIlMlrMzCPMEFONxRCWYHUyrsO5ca_pvefgLuk-yS7PjgzGt/s400/gay+marriage+graph.bmp" border="0" /></a><br /><p> </p><br /><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I've kept fairly quiet on this so far, as I think it's fairly obvious where I stand. But I'll say this much just to get it off my chest:</p><p>So here's the deal, America. Human rights are for humans. As in all humans. You don't get to decide which ones. You don't get to negotiate or legislate or equivocate mine while yours are a birthright.</p><p>And you for damn sure don't get to stand behind made-up excuses that are designed to create action out of fear while in reality it comes down to this: you don't support gay marriage because you're a bigot.</p><p>You're not doing this to protect the childen. Or the churches. It ain't the end of the world. Or a threat to the sanctity of the whole shenanigans.</p><p>It's your bigotry that's holding us back. And we deny you that right. We'll have exactly what you have, and we won't rest until we have it. That's what Americans do. It's why humans everywhere have risen against bigotry. It's why tyrants fall and corrupted systems find themselves powerless. And if you want to worry about anything, that's what should worry you most.</p>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-14853519421149196672008-10-14T17:51:00.000-07:002008-10-14T17:53:09.404-07:00Voting? Totally Overrated. Seriously. Don't Bother.<object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" data="http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1832128&fullscreen=1" width="480" height="360" ><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><param name="AllowScriptAccess" value="true" /><param name="movie" quality="best" value="http://www.collegehumor.com/moogaloop/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1832128&fullscreen=1" /></object><div style="padding:5px 0; text-align:center; width:480px;">See more <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/videos">funny videos</a> and <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/pictures">funny pictures</a> at <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/">CollegeHumor</a>.</div>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-82734085799496121092008-10-11T00:47:00.000-07:002008-10-20T14:55:34.152-07:00Betty White: GoddessI swear to Jesus I want to have Betty White's babies. But it's so hard overcoming genetics. <div><br /></div><div>So instead we'll have to settle for my undying love for this:</div><div><br /><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/TxL7MKsGoPo&hl=" fs="1" width="425" height="344" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed><br /></div><div></div>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-78972823691202993082008-08-30T21:36:00.000-07:002008-08-30T21:55:50.685-07:00VPILFIf John McCain wants to add smoking desperation to the list of desperations (including the stinking, stunning and hopeless versions) passing for his campaign strategy, you won't hear me complaining.<div><br /></div><div>The Palin veep pick is equal parts arrogance (Hillary voters will be drawn to her vagina) and pandering (neo-cons will be drawn to her contempt for the vagina).</div><div><br /></div><div>So. It's politics. Fine.</div><div><br /></div><div>And she's a light weight. Even better. Or is it?</div><div><br /></div><div>Because they just might pull it off. And then we'd have someone doing a job she professes not to understand. Which she doesn't. Clearly. Just a while ago she was Mayor of Mooseville.</div><div><br /></div><div>But in being coy about her chances, Gov. Palin actually told the guy at CNBC that she didn't know what a veep did all day. God. Save. Us. All.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/H9poCWnGIb8&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/H9poCWnGIb8&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /></div>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-62243263595941767582008-04-21T20:17:00.000-07:002008-04-21T20:32:19.483-07:00Kiss Me, You FoolI know, I know, I know. Nothing but YouTube clips of Obamaganda for months and then I spring up like Chatty Kenneth.<br /><br />But I was just amusing myself with my open letter to the (alleged) guy who came here after searching the Google for "bleeding while taking a shit." Hey, I don't make this stuff up. I just get the reports.<br /><br />It's a little concerning that since then there's been a dramatic rise in that sort of search leading to this blog. I trust my perverted readers (and I do mean both of you) have been trying it out on their own. And to both of you I say: It totally works, doesn't it?<br /><br />But wait. I can probably top that one. The latest odd little search that led some unsuspecting person with a traumatic medical condition into my lair?<br /><br />"My lips bleed in winter but not summer"<br /><br />I'm serious. Someone searched that on the internets and wound up here.<br /><br />Since every good blog needs an angle ... a point of view ... maybe I'm missing my golden opportunity. People can tell me what their medical insecurity is, and then I'll tell them what I think while disavowing any knowledge of medicine whatsoever and making them promise that they can't sue me because I'm just a big wind bag.<br /><br />And if that dream were to come true, when someone searched for "my lips bleed in winter but not summer," then I could say the following:<br /><br />Geez. I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe it's the dry heat. Do you have a radiator? Those can be very drying. And the wind often pulls moisture from your sensitive skin.<br /><br />Do you have a humidifier? You might want to consider investing in one along with a good lip balm. Kiehl's makes a fantastic one. Granted it's like $15 a tube or something, but if you buy something they'll sometimes give you a free sample.<br /><br />And nobody likes scabby lips. I can only imagine how uncomfortable that is, so avoid products with too much camphor. That could really sting.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-54085941214056445232008-04-21T20:08:00.001-07:002008-04-21T20:11:34.695-07:00Now I Can Give Up My Gratuitous Nudity PlansIt's finally happened. This blog has finally sunk to the furtherest depths imaginable. Check it out for yourself. Jack Valenti couldn't have said it better:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.justsayhi.com/bb/blog_rating"><img style="border: medium none ;" src="http://assets.justsayhi.com/badges/871/795/rated_nc-17.7gslj4dqur.jpg" alt="" /></a><p></p><br />I wasn't really going for the 17-year-old demographic anyway. They're not old enough to vote yet. But when they are, I hope their first presidential election will be to re-elect Obama. So for those of you adults out there reading this (and I mean both of you), vote.<br /><br />Please think of the children. My language only gets worse from here.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-86373217686198820382008-04-21T19:46:00.000-07:002008-04-21T19:55:33.884-07:00An Open Letter to Pennsylvania, Indiana, North Carolina, et al ...I admit it. I've got Democratic primary season fatigue big time. Will someone just stick a steak in her heart already? (Figuratively speaking only, of course. I don't need anyone opening up my FBI file again.)<br /><br />So when I'm blue or seeing red, (blue and red ... get it? I kill myself.) a little bit of Obama rhetoric just warms my heart up. I reach for my checkbook every time he delivers something like this:<br /><br /><a style="left: 0px ! important; top: 15px ! important;" title="Click here to block this object with Adblock Plus" class="abp-objtab-014156934738515037 visible ontop" href="http://www.youtube.com/v/QORZY11IHMo&hl=en"></a><object height="355" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/QORZY11IHMo&hl=en"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/QORZY11IHMo&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="355" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br />I offer this up for consideration to all the states that have primaries remaining. Please watch this and then realize the part in history you're playing. And go fucking vote for this guy, or I'm gonna lose my fucking mind. Seriously. You don't want to see me any more mentally unstable. None of us do.<br /><br />So do the right thing. You know who you are. You can still tell her you voted for her afterward even when you didn't. Millions of us have your back.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-78546830288289103272008-04-17T23:39:00.000-07:002008-04-17T23:40:27.348-07:00Older Than Pakistan! Bwahahaha<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/MNYHq0WuiUo&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/MNYHq0WuiUo&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object><br /><br />I don't know what else to say. Hate me for it if you will, but that shit is funny.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-46592149438551512672008-02-14T22:17:00.000-08:002008-02-14T22:21:38.557-08:00Look, people. I can't make it any more plain than this:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Clinton:</span><br /><br /><a style="left: 0px ! important; top: 15px ! important;" title="Click here to block this object with Adblock Plus" class="abp-objtab-06378375783867087 visible ontop" href="http://www.youtube.com/v/HzGbj_ERlJ0&rel=1&border=0"></a><object height="355" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/HzGbj_ERlJ0&rel=1&border=0"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/HzGbj_ERlJ0&rel=1&border=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="355" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Obama:</span><br /><br /><embed src="http://services.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f8/353515028" bgcolor="#FFFFFF" flashvars="videoId=1418509422&playerId=353515028&viewerSecureGatewayURL=https://services.brightcove.com/services/amfgateway&servicesURL=http://services.brightcove.com/services&cdnURL=http://admin.brightcove.com&domain=embed&autoStart=false&" base="http://admin.brightcove.com" name="flashObj" seamlesstabbing="false" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" swliveconnect="true" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/shockwave/download/index.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash" height="412" width="486"></embed><br /><br />He's right. It's the same old bullshit. Someone drive a stake into her heart or cut off her head. (Figuratively, of course. There's no need to go digging up my FBI file again.) It's the only way to end this thing.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-10122773566511643512008-02-14T16:39:00.000-08:002008-02-14T16:46:52.081-08:00Compare and ContrastLet me make this as easy for you as I possibly can.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">McCain:</span><br /><br /><a style="left: 0px ! important; top: 15px ! important;" title="Click here to block this object with Adblock Plus" class="abp-objtab-05734614075776506 visible ontop" href="http://www.youtube.com/v/3gwqEneBKUs&rel=1&border=1"></a><object height="373" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3gwqEneBKUs&rel=1&border=1"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3gwqEneBKUs&rel=1&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="373" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Obama:</span><br /><br /><a style="left: 0px ! important; top: 15px ! important;" title="Click here to block this object with Adblock Plus" class="abp-objtab-05734614075776506 visible ontop" href="http://www.youtube.com/v/2fZHou18Cdk&rel=1&border=0"></a><object height="355" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2fZHou18Cdk&rel=1&border=0"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2fZHou18Cdk&rel=1&border=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="355" width="425"></embed></object>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-70020485917175197852008-02-06T22:19:00.000-08:002008-02-06T22:45:02.253-08:00I Know You're Out There. I Can Hear You Bleeding.Now and then most bloggers indulge in a review of their blog stats in a tragic moment of self consciousness just to see if they are indeed reaching the masses.<br /><br />This blog reaches very few masses. But to those of you keeping the faith ... and I mean both of you ... I say I'm in it for the long haul if you are.<br /><br />These stats also tell you where people are visiting from. To my readers in Finland and Egypt ... and I mean both of you ... I say welcome. And I apologize. If it makes you feel better, this doesn't make much more sense to Americans, either.<br /><br />But what I'm really here for is to share my alarm ... consternation ... worry ... and let's face it ... downright shameless amusement ... not to mention an alarming ability to improperly and frequently use ellipses ... about how people reach my blog somewhat unsuspectingly.<br /><br />A few months ago, I wrote an open letter to a woman who got here by Googling "emotionally unavailable men." I hope she's doing well and has embraced her faghagness as a badge of honor rather than as a shield of self loathing.<br /><br />My concern now turns to the person ... I'm guessing it's a man given the word choice ... who crept into this dark little corner after searching for "bleeding while taking a shit."<br /><br />Jesus. I was so surprised, I had to Google that myself. And there I am. The third link down.<br /><br />For the record, I have never blogged about bleeding while taking a shit. Well. Until now, that is. But apparently the Google pieced together one of my Ann Coulter rants with some other ... uh ... shit ... and voila. Mysterious are the ways of the boolean search.<br /><br />But I also noticed that there've been multiple visits off of that search. So now my conscience ... and let's face it, that's a small, cold little nugget ... is forcing me to respond out of concern for my fellow man. And so to you, sir, I say:<br /><br />Honey. Get some help with that. Chances are it's just a hemorrhoid problem and will clear itself up. Especially if it's blood red and not black in the bowl. But. Still. There's only one exit for this business, and you can't take that too lightly.<br /><br />Certainly we haven't reached the point where the internets can be used to cure us of all our ills with any degree of certainty. Just searching for a solution to get skunk spray off of my dog once proved that much.<br /><br />I can only imagine what kind of a horror show you faced when you just had a crimson crap and your shame and embarrassment drove you to search the internet only to be lead to a discussion of ... whatever the hell I've been spouting off about.<br /><br />It certainly isn't hemorrhoids, I can tell you that much.<br /><br />Well. Until now.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-2221042021024732182008-01-18T18:11:00.000-08:002008-01-18T18:15:34.304-08:00Gutter MouthWell it was inevitable. What was once a sunny little PG-rated blog has now garnered this:<div><br /></div><div><br /><a href="http://www.justsayhi.com/bb/blog_rating"><img style="border: none;" src="http://assets.justsayhi.com/badges/21/680/rated_r.5o4s5u8n40.jpg" alt="" /></a><p><small>Meet <a href="http://www.justsayhi.com/states/138/kansas">Kansas Singles</a></small><br /></p><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I blame Mike Huckabee for goading me into telling him to fuck off.</div><div><br /></div><div>Shit. There I go again. Jesus Christ.</div><div><br /></div><div>It all raises the question: What the hell do you have to do to get an NC-17, goddammit. Because I'll do it. You bet your ass I will.</div>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-68445141187774619562008-01-18T12:11:00.000-08:002008-01-18T12:27:45.027-08:00I Heart HuckabeeOn the eve of the Republican primary in Michigan, Mike Huckabee made a speech about how he'd like to see abortion and marriage rights handled. Mr. Huckabee would like to see the Constitution amended to match "God's standards."<br /><br />Oh, yes. He did. You can see it right here:<br /><br /><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/D08Dq_iNMRk&rel=" width="425" height="355" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent"></embed><br /><br />In case it isn't obvious, Mr. Huckabee believes God's standards mean women don't deserve control over their reproductive health and gays are best viewed behind razor wire while wearing pink-felt triangles.<br /><br />Mr. Huckabee, sadly, went on to place a distant third in Michigan.<br /><br />This leads me to believe that God's standards are working just fine when it comes to Mike. It certainly seems to be His will that Huckabee will be this election's Howard Dean.<br /><br />Since God won't say it to you directly, Mike, I sure will: It's my Constitution, too. Tend to your own marriage and keep yer fuckin' paws off my rights. Sheesh. You should be embarrassed to think you have any concept of the Word of God. I'm pretty certain He's embarrassed plenty by you.<br /><br />You keep preachin', though, sugar. It's gonna be a lot easier for *any* Democrat in the fall to win against you than the others. It takes a special kind of guy to make a mormon look viable. So I wish you all the success in the world.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-86457679362433962672007-12-31T11:29:00.000-08:002007-12-31T11:38:19.381-08:00In It To Win It?Now anyone who knows me for more than two seconds knows I'm not a Republican. My politics tend to make Ghandi look like a social conservative.<br /><br />But I LOVE politics and the wheeling/dealing manipulativeness of it all. Where others get turned off by the hucksterism, I eat that shit up. Blame it on either my career as a corporate communicator or on my general lack of a moral compass. Who cares. What I really care about is the fight.<br /><br />Which brings us to John McCain. Anyone who spent some time in a tiger trap in Vietnam gets props from me. Would I vote for him? Oh, hell no. But a tip of the hat to John for his character and his service to this country. And heaven knows the man wants to be president.<br /><br />Or does he? The campaign so far, which should have been his for the picking, has been a mess. Including his dread of anything negative.<br /><br />Well at least his public dread. Apparently he's been sitting on an ad spot that knocks ol' Mitt's teeth in. It's been leaked now, which probably will get it more air time for free. And McCain won't have to take responsibility for actually trotting it out to the public.<br /><br />But more than whether or not McCain or Romney is the right choice ... because trust me, they ain't ... I think this is some damn fine political maneuvering.<br /><br />So I share it with you here with mad props to slate.com for digging it all up in the first place:<br /><br /><embed src="http://services.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f8/271557392" bgcolor="#FFFFFF" flashVars="videoId=1358639195&playerId=271557392&viewerSecureGatewayURL=https://services.brightcove.com/services/amfgateway&servicesURL=http://services.brightcove.com/services&cdnURL=http://admin.brightcove.com&domain=embed&autoStart=false&" base="http://admin.brightcove.com" name="flashObj" width="486" height="412" seamlesstabbing="false" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" swLiveConnect="true" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/shockwave/download/index.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash"></embed>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-90100440063159273162007-10-18T22:05:00.000-07:002007-10-18T22:21:50.283-07:00Ann Coulter is a Shit HeadI was going to talk about Ann Coulter, who recently said that an ideal America would be free of Jews and that Jews wanted to "be perfected."<br /><br />It's true. She really did. And you can see it here:<br /><br /><a style="left: 0px ! important; top: 15px ! important;" title="Click here to block this object with Adblock Plus" class="abp-objtab-06647441407980683 visible ontop" href="http://www.youtube.com/v/2wnPHFSdrME"></a><a style="left: 0px ! important; top: 15px ! important;" title="Click here to block this object with Adblock Plus" class="abp-objtab-06647441407980683 visible ontop" href="http://www.youtube.com/v/2wnPHFSdrME"></a><a style="left: 0px ! important; top: 15px ! important;" title="Click here to block this object with Adblock Plus" class="abp-objtab-06647441407980683 visible ontop" href="http://www.youtube.com/v/2wnPHFSdrME"></a><a style="left: 0px ! important; top: 15px ! important;" title="Click here to block this object with Adblock Plus" class="abp-objtab-06647441407980683 visible ontop" href="http://www.youtube.com/v/2wnPHFSdrME"></a><a style="left: 0px ! important; top: 15px ! important;" title="Click here to block this object with Adblock Plus" class="abp-objtab-06647441407980683 visible ontop" href="http://www.youtube.com/v/2wnPHFSdrME"></a><object height="350" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2wnPHFSdrME"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2wnPHFSdrME" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="350" width="425"></embed></object><br /><br />But that's not as interesting as the story from Idaho that showcased a guy getting away with taking dumps under a freeway off ramp. I mean, this is the real news, people.<br /><br />And in my heart, I'd like to think that Ann agrees with me. If there's anyone who knows about taking a shit on America and getting away with it, it'd be her.<br /><br />So my hat's off to the Outback Steakhouse employee who's featured here. We stand ... or squat ... in solidarity with you, sister.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ShXXexn4iyA"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ShXXexn4iyA" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-71097698171981107372007-10-01T23:45:00.000-07:002007-10-01T23:59:03.237-07:00Feelings. Whoa-whoa-whoa feelings!An open letter to what I heterosexistly presume was a woman who visited my blog after searching for "emotionally unavailable men" on The Google.<br /><br />Oh, Sister,<br /><br />Let me tell ya. I know what you're talking about. For the love of god, you can't live with 'em, and you can't chop up their bodies and hide them in a Hefty bag behind the 7-11. A girl can hardly clear her head with all the phonie-baloney bullshit that gets thrown at her from every suitor every damn day. There should be a law.<br /><br />So I apologize for the disappointment you must have experienced when during an attempt to come up with input for a coping mechanism that would help you deal with that insensitive lout, you stumbled onto my pointless windbaggyness instead.<br /><br />I also noticed that you didn't stay too long, either. But a hit's a hit, isn't it? So I'm keeping you noted on my rolls, thank you very much. And if you ever falter again in your noble trek toward self improvement, you can always cast your back to the wind here, my sister.<br /><br />You could stay as long as you'd like. Maybe even read a post or two. Click an ad banner or something. Y'know. Make yourself comfortable.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-25967049229120878352007-09-20T15:54:00.001-07:002007-09-20T15:56:57.342-07:00Dude Looks Like A LadyOhmygawd. <a href="http://www.gregscarnici.com/Home.html">This guy</a> is a genius. Somebody hire him and make him rich.<br /><br />(Advance warning: This features obscene lyrics and sexual content. Consider yourself warned.)<br /><br /><a style="left: 0px ! important; top: 0px ! important;" title="Click here to block this object with Adblock Plus" class="abp-objtab visible ontop" href="http://www.youtube.com/v/mbWCgdPrRCw"></a><a style="left: 0px ! important; top: 0px ! important;" title="Click here to block this object with Adblock Plus" class="abp-objtab visible ontop" href="http://www.youtube.com/v/mbWCgdPrRCw"></a><object height="350" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/mbWCgdPrRCw"><param name="wmode" value="transparent"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/mbWCgdPrRCw" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="350" width="425"></embed></object>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-57872953548231870262007-09-17T22:13:00.001-07:002007-09-17T22:38:35.483-07:00Drunk and DisorderlyBrett Somers, ex-wife of Jack Klugman and perennial Match Game panelist, <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/18/arts/television/18somers.html?ex=1347854400&en=40274d02651931d1&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink">died Saturday</a> at the grand age of 83.<br /><br />A first-generation latch-key kid, I spent many an afternoon soaking in the vodka-drenched shenanigans of Somers as she fussed and bickered with Charles Nelson Reilly, her long-time comic foil.<br /><br />It was my first exposure, I suppose, to a gay man bantering with his beloved fag hag. And I had no idea that's what I was taking in at the time. To paraphrase Elaine Stritch in her solo show, <span style="font-style: italic;">At Liberty</span>, I just knew it was funny, and I dug it.<br /><br />I also had no idea that for most of the years that I watched, she was soused. Not tipsy. Not drunk. But blotto. Blasted. Every sheet imaginable to the wind. I watch episodes today on the Game Show Network and marvel at how she can barely slur out most of her answers.<br /><br />Was it because for my family attempting to have a conversation after consuming staggering amounts of alcohol was known as "dinner"? Or was my brain at that time content to just take in another bunch of people who worked overtime to say inappropriate things in an appropriate manner?<br /><br />It matters not, I suppose. Brett Somers helped pass the time and made me feel happy when I already knew I felt different. She'll always have a blank spot in my heart.<br /><br />God speed to you, Brett.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-FBKrzHIrRA"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-FBKrzHIrRA" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-73829383085986150142007-08-14T18:32:00.000-07:002007-08-14T18:38:27.997-07:00I Plead The Fifth<div style="padding: 0pt 10px; background: transparent url(http://mingle2.com/img/bb/wanted/wanted_badge.jpg) no-repeat scroll 0pt 50%; overflow: hidden; display: block; font-family: Times New Roman,Georgia,serif; width: 289px; height: 436px; -moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; -moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; -moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial; text-align: center; font-weight: bold; text-transform: uppercase; position: relative; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br /> <div style="font-size: 12px; font-family: Arial,Verdana,serif; padding-top: 255px;">allbleedingstopseventually.blogspot.com/</div> <div style="padding: 15px 10px 10px; font-size: 18px;">WANTED FOR THE WRETCHED SLAUGHTERING of a BRAWNY HILLBILLY<br /><br /></div><br /> <div style="font-size: 22px; text-align: left; position: absolute; bottom: 42px; left: 20px;">$4000</div></div><br /><br /><br />In my defense, I only typed my blog name into an online wanted poster generator.<br /><br />Those who know me well understand that while I might do a number of things to a brawny hillbilly ... and in all my years I have occasionally dabbled in those smoky hills ... slaughtering them wretchedly would probably not be one of them.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-26441616534932110622007-08-14T14:00:00.000-07:002007-08-14T14:19:43.455-07:00Dirty BirdOkay, people. What is happening to this world when my blog only scores a PG rating?<br /><br />See? Here it is all official like:<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://mingle2.com/blog-rating"><img style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" alt="" src="http://mingle2.com/img/bb/blog_rating/pg.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><br />It hurts when people don't get the depths of depravity to which I clearly stoop on a regular basis in this forum.<br /><br />Oh, sure. You can drop the f-bomb and score an NC-17 in mere moments. Any old hack can do that. But I want procreating Republicans everywhere to stay up at nights worrying that their children might happen across this filth.<br /><br />And it's hardly going to happen when I'm less threatening than Shrek the Third.<br /><br />So be warned, you sonsabitches. I might start working "blue" any second now. And you only have your prurient interests to thank for it.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-39574600438402635952007-08-12T20:35:00.000-07:002007-08-12T21:09:03.011-07:00My Lips Are SealedSo the siren song of the gays dashes another prominent Republican's future on the treacherous rocks of sodomy.<br /><br />Glenn Murphy, Jr., the 33-year-old Indianan who was elected chairman of the Young Republican National Federation in July, resigned his post on Friday ... only a month after taking office ... saying that a "life-altering" business opportunity had come up that he couldn't pass on.<br /><br />Well. That and the fact that he got caught with his mouth wrapped around a sleeping Republican's "trunk," which the sleeping Republican apparently didn't appreciate upon waking and wondering who was at the root of the warm sensation in his nether regions.<br /><br />I mean seriously, people. Giving hummers to your sleeping bunkmates is so 1982 camping trip.<br /><br />But it appears to be true (though disputed by Mr. Murphy, who isn't saying it's not true ... but that it was consensual). All the same, you can read the <a href="http://www.gay.com/news/article.html?2007/08/09/2">whole story here</a>.<br /><br />To be honest, I could give a damn about Mr. Murphy, his position in the Republican party and his propensity (he apparently pulled the same stunt in 1998) for late-night naval maneuvers.<br /><br />What's funny in light of recent events is a quote of his about his job as chairman:<br /><br />"I will essentially be the mouthpiece ... for tens of thousands of young Republicans," he said.<br /><br />You've got to admire the liberal interpretation of his job description. I'm just sayin'. Mr. Murphy was definitely been reading between the lines ... not to mention the sheets.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-57959102702537467302007-08-11T19:11:00.000-07:002007-08-11T19:14:45.865-07:00If I Were In Charge of Church Signs<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJNhhGg0gVIObnrnsSpWC4pMzjTTFf7w83n6PAf5AszkqYKTxHm_o7dEBPK9UBmRZ4Ouh3FUFCey8t-LeHnS7vIMWFz_-7e-iJ-x_cVZN4-f7urIpWOaAZncYqoH_HkkreMgur/s1600-h/churchsign-2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJNhhGg0gVIObnrnsSpWC4pMzjTTFf7w83n6PAf5AszkqYKTxHm_o7dEBPK9UBmRZ4Ouh3FUFCey8t-LeHnS7vIMWFz_-7e-iJ-x_cVZN4-f7urIpWOaAZncYqoH_HkkreMgur/s400/churchsign-2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5097631609777896402" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_Z_-JJ6z1U1t9aiJybf0rCRScsEfv9H-Py_4D61DjVHE7FFy16iIfDObYgEl8r-JO2-aHeNN-gOjIpX1z57WV7UXT35H0ppslKzuys-NXafkbW8Kr6-D3de6wGAWs8mShlfTG/s1600-h/churchsign-1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_Z_-JJ6z1U1t9aiJybf0rCRScsEfv9H-Py_4D61DjVHE7FFy16iIfDObYgEl8r-JO2-aHeNN-gOjIpX1z57WV7UXT35H0ppslKzuys-NXafkbW8Kr6-D3de6wGAWs8mShlfTG/s400/churchsign-1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5097631536763452354" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwdLxkl0ww1Nqfu-yOZymR2UmYG4_1Qv8YvAOMqri9zQkECYuWpz3KHJE7US12jpl2ciXHq_35RCqMn3aZxQyhB2fLuo6ueqE1VgYDKTu4BZEynPHVvdBQ5Mily-36N8HV6jNG/s1600-h/churchsign.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwdLxkl0ww1Nqfu-yOZymR2UmYG4_1Qv8YvAOMqri9zQkECYuWpz3KHJE7US12jpl2ciXHq_35RCqMn3aZxQyhB2fLuo6ueqE1VgYDKTu4BZEynPHVvdBQ5Mily-36N8HV6jNG/s400/churchsign.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5097631455159073714" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYNgziVa7w4sUrR8D5pB5LFGHqCYKbnVYfeBHR9vWOdgY_goakUz5oTMiNMwLHJpL_9nPBLJJL4OOiiKJThjPExjlaJjIv1hf2SOdcMNvPuYMI3llFTxTb29zXu6APq-Qczy1I/s1600-h/churchsign-3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYNgziVa7w4sUrR8D5pB5LFGHqCYKbnVYfeBHR9vWOdgY_goakUz5oTMiNMwLHJpL_9nPBLJJL4OOiiKJThjPExjlaJjIv1hf2SOdcMNvPuYMI3llFTxTb29zXu6APq-Qczy1I/s400/churchsign-3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5097631317720120226" border="0" /></a>-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29822062.post-49004708435361861372007-08-02T21:42:00.000-07:002007-08-02T21:45:23.503-07:00My Future Wife<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht_PKzyUBO3lKrmLT8wpsgD-uAe1eA5dQ6v-5aYljXYSy7OkJDqnPpXm_bVjEKyIwybiRO9yfKS8hRK8moLeV7MaClq_n9BkUt1g9bduz98ZOR4b4snbRAnk4_1m83BjtDt8Xv/s1600-h/kkandka2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht_PKzyUBO3lKrmLT8wpsgD-uAe1eA5dQ6v-5aYljXYSy7OkJDqnPpXm_bVjEKyIwybiRO9yfKS8hRK8moLeV7MaClq_n9BkUt1g9bduz98ZOR4b4snbRAnk4_1m83BjtDt8Xv/s400/kkandka2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5094330613878307730" border="0" /></a><br />I adore this woman.<br /><br />And I don't care if my boyfriend knows it.<br /><br />We hardly even know each other. But she reads this blog. And lets me take pictures of her while she sits in my lap.<br /><br />So a shout out to you, sister. We were meant for each other.<br /><br />Even if we want the same thing.<br /><br />If anyone else wants to read my blog and take pictures while sitting in my lap, I'm game. Just say the word.-kenneth-http://www.blogger.com/profile/14363795240894907190noreply@blogger.com1