Monday, April 21, 2008

Kiss Me, You Fool

I know, I know, I know. Nothing but YouTube clips of Obamaganda for months and then I spring up like Chatty Kenneth.

But I was just amusing myself with my open letter to the (alleged) guy who came here after searching the Google for "bleeding while taking a shit." Hey, I don't make this stuff up. I just get the reports.

It's a little concerning that since then there's been a dramatic rise in that sort of search leading to this blog. I trust my perverted readers (and I do mean both of you) have been trying it out on their own. And to both of you I say: It totally works, doesn't it?

But wait. I can probably top that one. The latest odd little search that led some unsuspecting person with a traumatic medical condition into my lair?

"My lips bleed in winter but not summer"

I'm serious. Someone searched that on the internets and wound up here.

Since every good blog needs an angle ... a point of view ... maybe I'm missing my golden opportunity. People can tell me what their medical insecurity is, and then I'll tell them what I think while disavowing any knowledge of medicine whatsoever and making them promise that they can't sue me because I'm just a big wind bag.

And if that dream were to come true, when someone searched for "my lips bleed in winter but not summer," then I could say the following:

Geez. I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe it's the dry heat. Do you have a radiator? Those can be very drying. And the wind often pulls moisture from your sensitive skin.

Do you have a humidifier? You might want to consider investing in one along with a good lip balm. Kiehl's makes a fantastic one. Granted it's like $15 a tube or something, but if you buy something they'll sometimes give you a free sample.

And nobody likes scabby lips. I can only imagine how uncomfortable that is, so avoid products with too much camphor. That could really sting.

Now I Can Give Up My Gratuitous Nudity Plans

It's finally happened. This blog has finally sunk to the furtherest depths imaginable. Check it out for yourself. Jack Valenti couldn't have said it better:

I wasn't really going for the 17-year-old demographic anyway. They're not old enough to vote yet. But when they are, I hope their first presidential election will be to re-elect Obama. So for those of you adults out there reading this (and I mean both of you), vote.

Please think of the children. My language only gets worse from here.

An Open Letter to Pennsylvania, Indiana, North Carolina, et al ...

I admit it. I've got Democratic primary season fatigue big time. Will someone just stick a steak in her heart already? (Figuratively speaking only, of course. I don't need anyone opening up my FBI file again.)

So when I'm blue or seeing red, (blue and red ... get it? I kill myself.) a little bit of Obama rhetoric just warms my heart up. I reach for my checkbook every time he delivers something like this:

I offer this up for consideration to all the states that have primaries remaining. Please watch this and then realize the part in history you're playing. And go fucking vote for this guy, or I'm gonna lose my fucking mind. Seriously. You don't want to see me any more mentally unstable. None of us do.

So do the right thing. You know who you are. You can still tell her you voted for her afterward even when you didn't. Millions of us have your back.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Older Than Pakistan! Bwahahaha

I don't know what else to say. Hate me for it if you will, but that shit is funny.