Would You Grab This Man's Ass?

This gays in the military thing is killing me. Well, not literally. I suppose actually being a gay ... or anyone for that matter ... in the military right now would more likely be killing me than just having to listen to Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, wax philosophical about how gays are immoral and that allowing us to serve openly is paving the way for a regiment of pedophiles and serial killers.

Apparently Peter fills his brain with thoughts of sexual immorality instead of his type of immorality where sending thousands of young men and women to their deaths in the name of ... what exactly? ... is commonplace. But that's beside the point.

What's really killing me is how every time we go two steps past the immorality blather, there comes the sucker punch of how it'll also mean that straight soldiers will have to shower with homos. Gasp! And live with them in close quarters. The horror!

My favorite quote of the week on this subject comes from Tony Perkins (seen in the picture on the right), head of the Family Resarch Council ("Defending family, faith and freedom." From what? And with what?) In an interview with the Baptist Press, that hotbed of journalistic integrity, Tony says:

“Sometimes you’ll have 100, 500, or 1,000 soldiers, sailors or Marines together in a barracks or in a ship bay, all using the same showers and bathroom facilities. When you introduce sexuality into that kind of environment, it begins to break down discipline and unit cohesion."

I could get all in a tizzy about this, but I'm going to go for the less-is-more approach. For once. And simply ask this:

Why's it always the pale, pasty, ugly dudes who think we're going to leer at their junk? Keep it in your pants, Tony. We don't want it.

He Is The Egg Man. Koo-koo-kachoo.

Khalid Sheik Mohammed (note to Khalid ... dude ... buy a brush) has "confessed" to a Gitmo panel that he is responsible for 31 terrorist plots including, but certainly not limited to, the 1993 and 2001 World Trade Center bombings/attacks, the shoe bomber attempts and to a failed attempt to assassinate Jimmy Carter.

In undisclosed parts of his testimony, Mohammed also confessed to:

1. Putting the lime in the coconut.
2. Putting the bam in the bam-shalam-a-bam.
3. Putting his chocolate in my peanut butter.
4. Putting his right foot in, his right foot out, his right foot in and shaking it all about.
   
5. Shooting the sheriff. (But he did not shoot the deputy.)
6. Having been to paradise but never having been to me.
7. Seeing mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Now I'm not sayin' that he's ready for sainthood. But 31 nefarious plots, including being responsible "from A to Z" for 9/11? Busy boy that Mohammed.

I for one am relieved, as it proves our torture dollars have been well spent ... not to mention our failure to capture Osama isn't such a failure after all.

Whew. Thank you Mohammed. Now tell us ... where'd you bury Hoffa?

Takes One To Know One

So Ann Coulter (bitch! ... sorry ... it's like Tourette's every time I hear her name) goes to the American Conservative Union Political Action Conference this week and calls John Edwards a faggot.

Seriously. You can see it right here:




Now the fact that Ann Coulter (cow!) spouts out the word "faggot" is hardly a shock. It's clear by her hair alone that she doesn't have a lot of gays in her life, and clear from every other word of hate, ignorance and intolerance that falls from the vile, shit-filled arroyo called her mouth that she's here to inflame more than anything.

I feel rather sad for Ann (neocon-whore!). After all, we have to put up with her dressed like that, and she feels compelled to dress like that. Just who's on the losing end of that self esteem vacuum, I ask you? So as loathsome as she may be ... and that's pretty loathsome ... I'm in sort of roll-my-eyes mode with her at this point.

What should really give one pause is that it's a room full of hundreds of people who are listening to Ann put her minstrel show through its paces. And when she suggests that it's gotten so bad ya can't even say the word "faggot" anymore, do they take issue with her? Does anyone boo? Hiss? Storm out?

Do any of the gay cater waiters wrestle her to the ground and give her an impromptu bob behind the podium?

No.

The room erupts in laughter. Knowing, telling laughter that says, "No longer being able to say 'nigger' is one thing. But taking away 'faggot' is just going too far. Not on my watch, Ann. Not on my watch."

This is the group that everyone with a prayer for the Republican presidential nomination must go to and grovel. Rudi. McCain. They both went. They both swore they were "just like them." And who in their right mind would want to be just like that?

Better yet, who in their right mind would want to vote for someone who says they're just like that?

Don't be upset with Ann. Though I hope she dies. I really do. A painful, ugly, humiliating and public death ringed by faggot camera men who are more into capturing her demise than preventing it.

Be upset with the room full of people who've elected her their clown. She's just doing the dance. They're the ones playing the tune.